


I Never Wanted To Love You

by i_kinda_like_starkid



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cars, Crying, I don't know how to tag this, Internalized Homophobia, Peanut Butter, Photographs, Reunions, Sad, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Supermarkets, looks like this is going to be a
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:07:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27296881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_kinda_like_starkid/pseuds/i_kinda_like_starkid
Summary: It's been 18 years and Whizzer has moved on. Then Marvin appears out of the blue and Whizzer is thrown into the deep end.
Relationships: Marvin/Trina (Falsettos), Whizzer Brown/Marvin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 32





	1. Peanut Butter and a Broken Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of why I stopped and disowned the HS AU. Sorry 'bout that one.

***

_Tuesday_

***

Whizzer ran a hand through his perfectly styled hair as he searched the shelf for the brand of peanut butter he liked. He was wearing his favourite pink jacket over a nearly see-through white shirt.

“Excuse me.” A man with a dreadful shirt stepped in front of him without waiting for a reply. A little boy was holding his hand.

“Excuse you?” Whizzer shot, sticking his hip out, oozing with sass. “I was looking for something so if you wouldn’t mind.” Whizzer stepped far too close, pushing the man a little as he reached and grabbed a random glass jar of peanut butter. It was the wrong spread but he was proving a point and it was too late to turn back now.

“Look, I’m just trying to find the peanut butter my kid likes. Gimme a break.” The man took a step back, submitting to Whizzer’s height and pulled the boy back with him. Whizzer turned on his heel to look at the man and disregard his apology.

Instead, he dropped the jar he was holding and it smashed on the floor; peanut butter and glass collected into a puddle. The small boy dropped his father’s hand and ran away. Whizzer stared. The man stared back. Whizzer noticed he wasn’t wearing his glasses.

“Whizzer?” The man asked calmly.

“Marvin?” Whizzer exclaimed.

The two ex-lovers stood opposite each other, a gross peanut butter glass sludge separating them.

Whizzer brain fired a thousand questions a second. One stood out and so Whizzer broke the very uncomfortable silence.

“You have a fucking kid?”

Marvin nodded. “I do.”

“And a girlfriend or something?”

“Wife, actually.”

“What?” Whizzer spoke slowly, his brain suddenly flooded with this stupid knowledge he wished he didn’t know.

“Yeah. Her name’s Trina.”

That was a massive punch in the face.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Whizzer didn’t know what to say.

“Your fashion sense got worse.”

Marvin laughed once. “I agree. My job means I only have these kinds of clothes.” He patted his chest.

Whizzer blinked more times than he could count.

“What do you do?”

Marvin breathed in. “Advertising.”

“You’re joking.”

Marvin shook his head. Whizzer stepped over the peanut butter mess and looked at Marvin’s frown lines.

“Age isn’t a good look on you.”

“I know.” Marvin replied. More silence.

The other shoppers walked by, acting like they didn’t care that two people that were made for each other were meeting again after years of no contact and having moved on from each other. Maybe because they didn’t care.

“You wear it well, I suppose.”

Whizzer scoffed, feeling a little more normal. “Of course I do.”

Marvin smiled softly. Whizzer bit the inside of his cheek.

“Marvin?” A female voice came. “Oh thank God. Marvin.” Trina trotted over to the two men, her son in tow, her shopping bag swaying at her other side. Whizzer stepped away, giving the married couple space. “Jason came and told me what happened. Are you okay?”

Marvin snapped out of the strange haze he was in and shook his head, rubbing his forehead as he did so. “Yeah, yeah. No. Yeah.”

“For the love of…” Trina muttered as she viewed the mess for the first time. “Marvin, what did you do?”

“Nothing!” Marvin protested.

“This is my fault, sorry.” Whizzer stepped forward slightly, lightheaded due to everything that was happening.

Trina looked Whizzer up and down, her face scrunched in confusion as she tried to remember who Whizzer was.

“Do we know you?” Trina waggled her finger at Whizzer, who cringed.

Whizzer didn’t know if Marvin would want him sharing the details so he played it down.

“Oh uh.” He pointed to Marvin. “We knew each other back in school. I don’t believe we’ve met. Whizzer.” Whizzer held out his hand. Trina shook it.

“Okay, well. Marvin. I’ll leave you to the peanut butter and you can catch up with your friend. Maybe we can organise dinner with you and your wife, Whizzer.” Trina waltzed off with her son. Whizzer noticed he was clutching a small black chess piece in his hand.

Marvin’s voice brought Whizzer’s attention back. “You okay?”

“No, Marvin. I am not okay.” Whizzer reached his hand up to massage the bridge of his nose.

“Oh.” Marvin said quietly. Whizzer waited for him to start fumbling with his hands. “Why?”

“Just forget it.”

Marvin’s eyebrows shot up but he didn’t say anything.

“Anyway, I’m kind of offended your… _Wife_ … Thought I was straight.” Whizzer tugged at his collar with his hands. “No offence.”

“None taken.”

The pauses and silence and the limited eye contact made Whizzer wish he had just waited for Marvin to get the peanut butter he needed and then the whole interaction wouldn’t have happened.

“If you want, I can pay for that.” Marvin pointed to the peanut butter on the floor. Whizzer didn’t respond. “Because we’re friends—”

“You got ten minutes to spare? Whizzer interrupted.

Marvin paused and looked at the ground. “What do you mean?”

 _“This is an awful idea.”_ Whizzer thought to himself. He ran a hand over his hair. “I’m not above blowing you in a public restroom.”

Whizzer watched Marvin react in what felt like slow motion. It took Marvin a short while to respond. “I’m married.”

“You’re _gay_ , Marvin.”

Marvin flinched at that. “I’m married to a _woman_. That’s just about the least gay thing a man can do.”

“I remember when you couldn’t even hold hands with a girl, Marv.”

“Don’t. Only my wife calls me Marv.”

Whizzer frowned with sadness. “What about when I used to call you that, hm?”

“Whizzer.” Marvin’s tone dropped. This could turn into a full blown out argument and Whizzer was ready. “I’ve moved on. You should too.”

“If you’d really moved on, you would’ve left with your wife.” Whizzer snapped, fed up with Marvin’s difficult mindset.

“Just stop, Whizzer.” Marvin bit back before looking around and realising how loud he was. He pulled Whizzer to the side then kept talking. Whizzer slapped his hand away. “I understand that we didn’t leave on the best of terms, but I’m not like that anymore. So stop trying to… Convert me.”

“ _Convert you?_ Being gay isn’t a religion!”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“I _don’t_ know it, _Marvin_. Just say what you mean and maybe you’ll make _some_ kind of sense.”

“Just because you’re still in love with me doesn’t mean I love you back.” Marvin snarled.

Whizzer leaned back on his heel. “Fuck you, Marvin.” He turned to leave, forgetting about the peanut butter. “Maybe people would like you more if you didn’t hate yourself so much.” He stormed out of the supermarket, high on anger, got into his car and slammed the door behind him. He took a moment to regain his composure before losing it again.

Whizzer lashed out by slamming his palms against the car’s steering wheel. He screamed obscenities and slammed his hands some more. It ended up being really painful so he stopped. Then he started crying. Fucking Marvin. Whizzer couldn’t believe it had taken one interaction to send him back where he was 18 years ago. Everything was fucked up to the point where Whizzer was—

Someone knocked twice on his window. Whizzer looked up, tears forming in his eyes. Marvin was standing at Whizzer’s window, jar of peanut butter in one hand. Whizzer scowled through the glass then flipped his ex-boyfriend off. He blinked back his tears so he could see everything clearly and saw Marvin was crying too. Marvin pressed his entire hand up against the glass and leaned his forehead there as well. His mouth was moving but Whizzer couldn’t hear what he was saying.

 _“I shouldn’t.”_ Whizzer thought. _“He wasn’t there for me, why should I be there for him?”_

Marvin curled his hand into a fist and softly pounded the glass as more tears streamed down his face.

Whizzer reached his hand out and hesitated but opened the door anyway. Marvin tumbled into the car and stuffed his tear-stained face into the crook of Whizzer’s neck. He was blabbering words Whizzer couldn’t make out so he just carefully wrapped his arms around the sobbing man. Whizzer reached down and took the jar of peanut butter that was pressing uncomfortably into his thigh then put it to one side. Marvin was half in and half out of the car so Whizzer tried to encourage him to move into the backseat with him. Marvin murmured something inaudible.

“What’d you say?” Whizzer asked quietly.

“What if someone sees.” Marvin said in a hushed voice.

“It’s okay.” Whizzer reassured. “No one’s going to see you.”

After a few minutes of reassuring Marvin that everything was alright, the two men migrated to the back of Whizzer’s car. When they sat down, Marvin started crying harder. Whizzer tried to calm him down by shushing him but that was proving ineffective so he just started running a hand through his hair and the other rubbing small circles onto the back of his hand.

Wait.

They were holding hands.

Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckf—

“I can’t do it, Whiz. I can’t fucking do it anymore.” Marvin sobbed heavily into Whizzer’s chest.

“Can’t do what?” Whizzer stopped soothing him when he didn’t respond. “Marvin, can’t do what?”

“Anything. Everything!” He spluttered. “Everything is fucked up. I fucked everything up.”

Marvin kept crying but Whizzer didn’t know what to do or how to stop him. He just hugged him.


	2. Atypical morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse of Whizzer's "normal" life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is a play on words.
> 
> I got my fic back! Writing is going to come slower because I need to set up my new computer and then I'm going on a holiday for 3 weeks but here it is.
> 
> WARNING: There is some sexual content in this chapter so be aware of that. It is also my first time writing this kind of stuff so be kind :)

“Good morning gorgeous.”

“Stop.” Whizzer whined.

“What?” Marvin shuffled closer to Whizzer and wrapped an arm over his waist from behind. “Am I not allowed to say good morning?”

“You aren’t allowed to wake me up so early.”

Marvin kissed Whizzer’s ear. “Not even if I want to have sex with you?” He teased.

“No!”

“I get it.” Marvin chuckled. “You need your beauty sleep.” He detached from Whizzer and laid on his back.

Whizzer rolled over and poked Marvin’s side. “You need it more than I do.”

Marvin gasped dramatically before smiling. “Brutal.”

“I said what I said.” Then Whizzer lifted his hips and moved into Marvin’s side. Marvin stiffened.

“I didn’t realise you slept naked last night.”

“Oh come off it, Marv. We fucked twice last night and you think I have enough energy to put something on?”

“I just didn’t think we were _there_ yet.”

“Marv. We fucked _twice_ last night.”

“And? People have sex all the time.”

Whizzer shook his head and kissed him. Marvin slid his hand up Whizzer’s back and curled his fingers into his hair. They broke apart and Whizzer exhaled when Marvin pulled lightly.

“You like that? Huh?” Marvin demeaned.

Whizzer nodded then kissed his boyfriend again, biting Marvin’s lip whenever his hair was pulled. Whizzer’s hands dropped under the sheets and he started working on Marvin, taking his underwear off as he did so. He felt Marvin move closer to him so he slid his hands to the backs of Marvin’s thighs and pulled his groin onto his own. Marvin’s breath hitched.

Whizzer kissed Marvin harder and thrust lazily against him. Marvin reciprocated the force which made Whizzer throw his head back, moaning. Marvin quickly spat into his hand and then a hold of both of them. Whizzer felt Marvin latch onto his neck so he reached up and let his hands wreak havoc on Marvin’s back.

“ _Marvin…_ ” Whizzer moaned. That just encouraged Marvin and he sped his pace up. Whizzer brought a hand around and pushed Marvin off of his neck so they were directly face to face, noses nearly touching.

“I’m close.” Whizzer whispered. Marvin gave him a look as to say “already?” but then he nodded and withdrew his hand from Whizzer’s hair to thumb over his nipples. Whizzer moaned louder and louder as he got closer and closer until he came into Marvin’s fist. He tried his best not to push his face into the crook of Marvin’s neck. He wanted Marvin to know he trusted him; that he was vulnerable with him. Marvin came shortly after and Whizzer hoped that it was him that sent Marvin over the edge.

Marvin lurched forward and connected their mouths, using his clean hand to cradle Whizzer’s face. Whizzer grabbed the back of Marvin’s neck and kissed him deeply. They broke apart after a few minutes and Whizzer sighed contently.

“That was good.” He breathed casually.

Marvin murmured in agreement. Whizzer lightly threw his hand onto Marvin’s chest.

“I gotta go to work.”

“Mmm. Okay.” Marvin tangled their fingers together before bringing Whizzer’s hand up to his mouth and kissing it.

Whizzer rolled out of bed and got changed into a white blouse and black jeans with his work apron over the top. He checked his old, gold watch and sighed; he still had twenty minutes. He crawled on top of the dirty sheets, that Marvin would have to change before leaving, and cuddled him. Marvin wrapped one arm around Whizzer, his other hand fumbling for his phone, and they lay there together. Marvin took a photo and got it framed later that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so patient with me. Let me know what you think! 
> 
> (P.S. This chapter takes place 18 years ago.)


	3. Cracked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last little bit before a long hiatus :(

***

_Present_

***

After Marvin had cried himself senseless, he refused to share anything else and so Whizzer drove him home. He had managed to pull himself together before they went to the front door and Marvin went in without saying goodbye. Whizzer wondered if Trina even knew were Marvin was. As soon as Whizzer got to his apartment, he was reminded of the photo and searched all his stuff for it. He held it in front of his face and studied it. Marvin’s young, happy face was nearest to the camera. Whizzer was in the back, half his face hidden by Marvin’s chest, the other half grinning eyes closed. Whizzer looked at the photo and absorbed every inch of it. He strained his eyes observing every detail possible. The sheets. The pillows. Marvin. The sheets and the pillows not matching. Marvin. A poster of Marvin’s favourite musical. Marvin. Whizzer’s own uniform. Marvin. _Marvin._

He threw it into the next room and the glass exploded.

The broken frame clattered to Whizzer’s concrete floor and the noise seemed to echo; glass specs that floated downward in a speed that made it feel like everything was in slow motion. Whizzer stood in his bedroom, glaring, before what he had just done had sunk in.

“No! No, no, no, no, no. No. No. No!” Whizzer rushed into his small living space that doubled as his study and reached down to remove the photo from the frame. He carefully brushed off anything that had collected on top of the photo and brought it into his kitchen. He sat up on the benchtop, hunched over so that his head didn’t hit the cabinets above. He looked at the photo over and over again, not wanting to put it down. What felt like years past, but when Whizzer looked up it had only been a minute and a half. He almost laughed at the absurdity of himself. He didn’t. He couldn’t. He was too damn sad. He wanted to keep the memory encapsulated in the photo but he didn’t want to keep the memory that was attached with it.

Because that photo was the only thing Marvin left when he vanished from Whizzer’s life without a trace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It posted weirdly last time. Hm.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finding to pretty hard to write :(

Whizzer woke up and yawned. His brain had already blurred most of the previous day and that saved Whizzer some stress. He rolled out of bed and went into his bathroom to style his hair. After getting it to look exactly how he wanted, he made himself a cup of coffee. Checking his clock, it displayed twelve past eleven. He must’ve stayed up later than he thought. Or he was just tired.

Someone knocked on his door. Whizzer rushed to slip a shirt on yelling “there in a minute,” as he did so. He threw on a loose tank top and scooped his coffee up then answered the door. He took a sip as he opened the door.

“Hello.”

Whizzer spat his suddenly bitter coffee back into the cup and slammed the door. “Fuck.” Whizzer bit his lip anxiously. Another knock. Whizzer opened the door.

“I’m like that wi—”

“How the fuck did you find where I live?” Whizzer shot at his visitor, rapping his knuckles nervously on his door.

“Pros of working in an office.”

Silence. Whizzer was still in shock. It was fucked up and creepy as _hell_ that Marvin had found out where he lived. He just wanted him gone. This whole shitshow had gone on for too many years.

“Why are you here, Marvin?”

Marvin shrugged.

“I don’t give a shit about our history; I’ll call the police if you don’t tell me.”

Marvin raised his hands in defence. “Okay! Okay!”

Whizzer tucked his free hand under his armpit and leaned against his door frame.

“I came to talk.” Long pause with no eye contact. “I think.”

Whizzer tutted. “You always made life difficult, didn’t you?” Marvin began to respond but Whizzer cut him off. “That was rhetorical.”

Marvin stood awkwardly in the hallway while Whizzer sipped his coffee.

“Can I come in?”

“No.” Whizzer replied easily.

Marvin was very obviously taken aback. “Oh.”

“I get that you think we’re friends now because I was nice to you yesterday but fucking stalking me and finding out where I live just to ‘talk’ is fucking creepy. So, no. You can’t come into my fucking apartment and you’re lucky I’m not calling the police on your sorry ass.”

Marvin looked like he was going to cry again.

“I think you should leave.” Whizzer went to close the door, but Marvin stopped it before it closed fully.

“Wait.”

“What?” Whizzer snarked.

“Can we go for coffee some time?”

“We aren’t friends, Marvin. I just told you.”

“But I want to be.”

Those words slapped Whizzer in the face for no reason.

“Christ…” Whizzer whispered to himself. “Wait here.” He aimed at Marvin. He retreated to his apartment to get a pen and a piece of paper then went back to the door.

“Write your number and leave me the fuck alone. I have to go to work soon so make it snappy.”

Marvin smiled sheepishly and scrawled his name on the paper before giving Whizzer another smile. He hurried off without saying goodbye and everything felt all too familiar. Whizzer locked his door. He finished getting ready and flung his door open and locked it behind him then went to work.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated. 
> 
> Also please let me know if you want more of this.


End file.
